Before I made you in your mother’s womb, I chose you. Jeremiah 1:5
I ponder my path often. Always have, to some extent, but with Justin and I splitting up, it has become a question of much more importance lately. What is my purpose? And WHY do I feel so unfulfilled? Why do I feel so valueless?
I think beginnings are very important. In fact, it seems the place of origin has much to do with the quality of the journey as well as the final destination.
My journey – like yours – began in the heart and mind of God. Before I took even one breath, God wanted, loved and planned me. I have been attempting to comprehend this. After living life feeling unwanted and unloved, first by my parents, then boys, and most recently by my husband, it is a difficult thing to process. God wanted ME. God loved ME. He made ME. ON PURPOSE.
I was created in response to the love of God and according to His plans. God did not “accidentally” create me and then step back in alarm and say, “Oops! I created her. Now what am I going to do with her?” The plan came first.
So often I feel the world would be a better place without me in it… I wonder what value I am adding to the world? I wonder why I couldn’t even be a wife correctly, much less make any type of impact OUTSIDE of my home.
There have been many times in my life when I doubted my worth and value. I filled every waking moment with activity – good things – thinking that if I did enough good things, I would be good enough. It didn’t work. I can never be good enough to earn the love and favor of God or anyone else. I know I keep coming back to this, but it is so hard for me. I want to be perfect. I want people to like and even love me. And so far in my life, I have not found myself worthy and neither have many other people…
If I could just get the knowledge from my head to my heart. If I could internalize the fact that I don’t have to be perfect! My worth and value rest in the fact that I am chosen by God to be His very own child. I am loved, wanted and planned by God Himself. Wow! God Himself supervised my formation. I was created – not to be a puppet – but for an intimate relationship with God.
Psalm 149:13-16 says”I praise You because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What You have done is wonderful. I know this very well. You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body. When I was put together there, You saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.”
It’s hard to imagine God sitting up there saying “Lets make a Shannon, have her born into an incredibly abusive home, jump from one bad relationship to another and wind up with a husband who has a lot of issues and eventually almost kill her.”
I think God has more for me. I hope God has more for me. I wanted to think that Justin was in those plans… I am having a hard time with that…
But I am getting stronger, I am becoming better at being me… Being who God created me to be rather than a projected image coming from a broken and hurting heart.
I am learning that I am loved, although it may not be the people I WANT to love me. I was planned, meaning God has a purpose for me. I am wanted by friends and family and chosen by God.
I can trust that his perfect plan and highest purpose will naturally unfold before me if I can understand this on a daily basis. In His eyes, I am special and His plan for my life is simply for me to get good at being me. Even though it hurts sometimes, even though its not an easy path… I CAN learn who I am and I will like that person much better than the half-person I am today…
I am choosing to see myself through eyes of love, forgiveness and grace. I want to be the woman God created me to be. I am thankful for those who have proven their love for me.