Psalm 6

O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage.

I ponder if I have enraged God. I know I am not perfect and I have made some pretty HUGE mistakes. I know I deserve to be disciplined and corrected for the choices I have made. But even knowing that, I still beg like a child that my punishment does not match the crime.

Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart.

I can’t describe the pain involved in ending a seven year marriage. Wondering if it was ever real, if I should have made the choice to marry in the first place. My heart aches, not just for myself, but for my kids who have lost their father and the only example of a man that they had in their life. I feel so helpless sometimes, so unable to keep up with the responsibilities of being a single mom, of being a great, Godly example for them. I hurt with the shame and the disillusionment of a dream turned nightmare in my marriage.

How long, O Lord, until you restore me? Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love.

I know that God has the ability to come through. He has proven it time and time again over these past few months. But these months feel like forever and with the criminal case looming over my head, knowing that I am testifying against my own children’s father… The divorce pending and the custody issues being bitterly disputed in an all-out war that might last several years, it all makes me wonder “How long, oh Lord?”

For the dead do not remember you. Who can praise you from the grave?

At times, I wonder if the struggles will last until I am dead. I am curious if I will be able to make it through. I know that if I let my situations overwhelm me, it will not bring glory to God.

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.

I am not much of a cryer, but I feel the emotional exhaustion draining me. I snap at times when I would normally let something roll off my back. I feel the intense lonliness in the middle of the night and I hurt with the pain of a broken dream.

My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

I am honestly a bit surprised at who my “enemies” have turned out to be. In attempting to do the right thing, I have become the scapegoat for an entire family’s problems and they are taking it out on me by attempting to destroy my reputation and my self-esteem. It shocks me that they do not realize the person who was in the wrong, and sometimes I just don’t want to pray for them anymore.

Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.

I am excited to be able to see who my enemies are, because once I have a visual, I can get them out of my life. It’s also nice to know that I can rely on God to do the heavy lifting. He hears me when I talk to him and he WILL answer my prayers.

May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame.

I don’t know that I would go so far as to wish disgrace or terror on any of them. Some days I get so frustrated that I want to pray for God to do something terrible, but most of the time, I pray for understanding and peace.

One thing that really stood out to me about this scripture was how honest David was. Pouring out his heart with tears, he just told God exactly how he felt. This is something I am having to learn. I have been through so many things recently and its been so difficult to come to grips with the fact that my life is in no way turning out the way I had planned. I have seen my weaknesses so much more clearly over the last few months and I ponder sometimes if God is punishing me for something.Of course I feel exhausted sometimes.

It’s so nice to know that we can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us.

Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don’t have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin.

I am learning to be honest with God, and I know he will help me turn my attention from myself to him and his mercy.

About Shannon Joy

I am a single mama with two incredible munchkins. I confuse most people and the deeper you delve into the rabbit hole, the more lost you will become. I play a lot, work a lot, learn a lot, volunteer a lot and tend to do a lot... I love my life. The past few years have been an incredible journey, full of ups and downs. Thankfully, I have made the choice to see challenges as opportunities and it makes me so much stronger than I ever thought possible. I love to write and paint and feel that being creative is my God-given talent. I am so excited to share my life and experiences with you. Although I am a diamond in the rough, I known that I am being chiseled and hewn by experiences and grace and perseverance. I love comments and feedback, so please send a little love when you can. I will always try to respond personally and in a timely fashion.
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