I wonder…

This week has flown by, harried and hurried and focused on the next task before the one I am working on has been accomplished.

But when I walk in my house I find dishes in the sink, laundry piled up like Mt Washmore, dinner still in the freezer, my daughter’s lunch forgotten on the counter… and I didn’t even get take the time to put makeup on this morning.

I know that if I just focus, I can get everything done, or I should be able to, but between the time taken up by my job and my schoolwork, all I want to do is sit on the couch and spend time with my lovelies.

Every day I struggle with the desire to accomplish more. Yet it feels as though I accomplish absolutely nothing.

When I lay my head on the pillow in the evening, my mind races with the things I failed to complete that day. I attempted to clean something, but didn’t finish. I desired to build something, make my living room look like all those Pinterest living rooms that are so beautiful, but it didn’t happen. When I go grocery shopping, I forget my list and roam aimlessly around in the store. I try to write or paint, but one of my munchkins calls out for attention. I am awake from 6am to midnight and at the end of the day, there’s nothing to show for all of that exhausting effort. What am I doing???? 

So I wonder, “Am I enough?”

I failed at the “housewife” title, my spiritual walk is floundering most days, I feel as though my kids are neglected because of my busy work/school schedule now that I am raising them as a single parent, I make meals that are FAR less than stellar, and I neglect my friendships.

And EVERY day I have to wonder: “Am I enough?

So, as I lay on that pillow at the end of my long, tedious day, I snuggle in and the tears form… I want to be worthy, I want to accomplish something, I want to be successful.

But I feel as though I am exactly the opposite…

And as I lay there, tears in my eyes, wondering when I will ever be enough, I hear the sound of my children whisper:

Mommy, 

Am I enough?

Am I more important than those dishes in the sink? Am I more important than your next great painting? Do I make you happier than that workout you have been craving? Am I worth your attention? Am I an accomplishment?

Am I enough?

Mommy, you kept me safe today, you kept me alive. You fed me, you bathed me, you put me to bed.You made me laugh mommy. Does that count? Am I one of your goals? Can’t we just be together? Even if no one sees it? Or knows it?

Am I enough?

Mommy did you hope that I would be different? Do I need to be more to please you? Did you hope I would be different? 

Am I enough?

And I realize maybe, just maybe God sees me like I see my children. Because they are more than enough. Exactly as they are. They fill my days with so much joy. They are my reason for living, for breathing sometimes. And no matter what they do, no matter how much or how little they accomplish that day, they are more than enough and I will never stop loving them.

My heart wrenches. I feel the comfort of those thoughts and I think of verses that talk to me about how he sees me.

Verses that say,  “Do you remember when I said, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me?” (Matt. 25:40) “And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward?” (Matt. 10:42) Do you not see it here Child? 

All these days you work, you study, you serve these fragile children, and what you are doing is serving Me. For whatever you do unto them, you do unto Me. 

Am I enough?

What is My worth to you?

Do you still love me in those secret places, when no one sees?

Can you see me here in this place?

Can you see me in their sweet little faces?

When you work so hard to house them, to shelter them, you house Me, you shelter Me.

When you set out their clothes in the evening and help them scramble into them in the morning, it is Me that you are clothing.

When you study to set a good example and give them a better future, it is Me that you are serving.

And if you can only spend your days, your self, on Me..

Am I enough?

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About Shannon Joy

I am a single mother of two incredible munchkins. I pray a lot, work a lot, learn a lot, volunteer a lot and tend to do a lot... I love my life. The past few years have been an incredible journey, full of ups and downs. Thankfully, I have made the choice to see challenges as opportunities and it makes me so much stronger than I ever thought possible. I love to write and paint and feel that being creative is my God-given talent. I am so excited to share my life and experiences with you. Although I am a diamond in the rough, I known that I am being chiseled and hewn by God's grace and my own perseverance. I love comments and feedback, so please send a little love when you can. I will always try to respond personally and in a timely fashion.
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2 Responses to I wonder…

  1. Thatoneguy says:

    Stay focused! You should be getting close to finishing school, and hopefully you will have more time to enjoy life!

  2. You have definitely been a big part of my staying focused. I appreciate the things I learned from you and our relationship. I hope all is well!

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