I’m afraid of commitment.
Like, really afraid. In college, when my boyfriend told me he loved me, I ran away. And I have been doing the same thing ever since.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It can be a relationship, a business, a dream. If it’s big enough, it’s easy for me to be non-committal. It seems that when something really spectacular comes along, the need for validation presents itself in a much larger way.
I have a couple of opportunities in my life right now, but I feel like it’s easier to say “I don’t want to fully commit to pursuing that really awesome thing, because first I want proof that it’s going to work out.”
The proof could be many things.
When he decides he loves me…
When I start earning money…
When I have enough readers…
When my business can support me and my kids…
When I get a sign from the heavens…
THEN, I can commit…
THEN, I’ll put my heart and soul into this.
THEN, I’ll say what I really want to say.
THEN, I’ll be free to live how I want to live.
When I see the validation, that’s when I can jump in and immerse myself.
But, until then, I will wait for proof…
Because, what if it doesn’t work out?
What if that awesome person never loves me?
What if things don’t fall into place to move?
What if the money never comes?
What if my book never gets big?
What if I always have to work a few side jobs?
I’ll be crushed.
I’ll be completely devastated.
I may never recover.
This relationship, this project, this dream, this company… it’s my whole life.
And, it’s hard to even breathe when I think of it not working out.
The disappointment of failure would tear me to pieces. It might kill me.
The risk is just too big.
So, I want proof.
I won’t move forward without some type of validation.
I want a sign. I want a note in God’s handwriting that everything is going to work out exactly as I have planned.
I want to know, with no doubt in my mind, that if I sell out to this, my dreams WILL come true.
I will get what I want.
I want to know I am not a fool for chasing something that seems so impossible.
Hahahaha. Here’s the thing…
I am starting to figure some things out.
After years of doubting everything, second-guessing and waiting on proof, I have realized that I have approached this life all wrong.
Commitment comes BEFORE validation.
And that is everything.
That’s why so many relationships fail. That’s why the financial success rate is so low. That’s why I haven’t conquered things I wanted to overcome in my world.
I haven’t been brave enough to face full commitment before the validation arrives.
I’ve spent my life waiting for that validation.
Because taking the plunge without the validation seems risky at best. At worst, totally insane.
Better never to try than to face that kind of public disappointment and embarrassment.
But, commitment is actually what GETS you what you want. That relationship. That book deal. Those customers.
Saying what I need to say, being 100% committed, showing up day-in and day-out, diving in head first, THAT’s what it takes to live the life of my dreams!
Validation comes second.
Commitment comes first. And it’s scary as hell. (pardon my french)
But, I’m sick of waiting around. I can’t confuse the order anymore.
I’m ready for my life to be the adventure I have always dreamed of.
And I am jumping in headfirst.