I stay so busy. All the time. People think I lead an amazing life because I am always doing something.
But what I am doing is running. Running from myself, running from my emotions, and God-forbid, running from getting emotionally close to anyone else.
My schedule is blocked from 5am to midnight every single weekday. I have at least one, if not numerous activities, booked EVERY weekend between now and the second week of January.
I have been asked on a few dates, asked to hang out with my girlfriends a few times. I quickly inform them that my availability is severely limited and I would have to work to get them in. No one likes that. No one wants to be second to a rigorous schedule that is as inflexible as my habits. No one wants to date a girl like that, like me. It’s challenging to keep friends when I treat them like they are second to nothing and everything. It leads to a lot of alone.
And I am glad. Most of the time.
I do okay by myself. Most of the time.
But some days. Some days it hits me that I am truly alone. That I have neglected my friendships, put off relationships.
Those days are more difficult. Today is one of those days.
I opened up recently. I shouldn’t have. I knew better. But I did. And now my heart must pay the price. It always does.
What I have realized though, is that we pay a price either way.
We can pay the price of building our walls and being eternally lonely. Or we can take a chance and build a deep friendship that helps to mold us into a creature we never thought we could be.
I want to take more risks. I want to live more passionately. I want to open up to people and let them see my heart.
My twisted, broken, heart that is covered in scar tissue.
Because maybe, just maybe, they are as afraid of their own twisted, broken heart as I am mine. And it’s possible that I can show them how incredibly beautiful their brokenness is. And that would make all the pain worth bearing all over again.
By the way, my next painting is The Twisted Heart. Inspired by the one who inspires all my writing lately.