Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
I sit in this office waiting once again. Over the last few weeks, I have thought about this visit constantly. I hope for good news, but I am prepared if there is none.
And I am going to be completely honest with you. I don’t like to wait. No, to be COMPLETELY honest, I HATE waiting.
It doesn’t matter if I am waiting for the unquestionably late doctor to call my name, my kids to get ready to leave or a phone call that was supposed to come at a certain time. When I have to wait, I really don’t like it. Few things are LESS enjoyable than standing in that agonizing place where all my hopes and dreams look so far away. The place where my longing meets the questions of “how?” and “when?” and “if?” they could ever possibly come true.
Ever been there?
Yeah. It’s not fun.
There are a few things I am waiting for in this season in my life. Big things. Huge. Life-changing, impactful things. Things that can determine my entire life-direction and my children’s destiny.
And I am waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for breakthroughs. Waiting on other people. I feel like I am constantly waiting right now. And its painful.
I don’t think I am alone in the discomfort that seems so deeply engrained alongside the process of waiting. As humans, I think it is categorically acceptable to despise waiting.
We want instant gratification. We want the hard things to be solved by dinner time. We want to move on and not have to think about it anymore.
Why is that? I mean, if you really look at it, it seems that doing absolutely nothing should be easy… But it’s not.
But no matter how long, or how hard, there is a blessing to be found in every wait. That is what I am learning. As uncomfortable as it is, as daunting as it seems, I hold on to the scripture that says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” (Psalm 27:14)
Waiting is like lifting weights. I recently started lifting as an alternative to running due to some health issues. And, oh-my-goodness, my muscles hurt ALL THE TIME. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that by working those muscles, by making them sore, I am creating the physical body that I want for myself. I am getting stronger and healthier and giving myself a better life, even though it feels so uncomfortable in that moment, or that day.
And, as challenging as I find waiting to be, I know that I am growing through it. I am getting stronger and healthier and creating a better life as I increase my patience and endurance. As I learn to hope in spite of what I see in front of me.
It hasn’t been easy. In fact, I think that anyone in my close circle could probably tell you that I have been grumpy and tired and overwhelmed lately. It’s been hard. It’s been a struggle.
I have been so tempted to let hope slip away into the night as the months have passed regarding one situation and the years in another… but still, I find myself here, waiting.
So many questions unanswered, so many dreams unfulfilled. I long for healing, growth, and freedom that I have yet to experience. And I constantly ponder and wish that life, that God, operated on my timetable instead of His own.
Yeah, I know… scripture says, ” But they who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount with wings as eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
It sounds incredible. Glorious. Powerful. Run and not grow weary? I would LOVE to do that. Walk and not faint? Where is that in my life?
No, my discontented heart finds it ever so difficult to wait.
But I am finally beginning to realize that in the seasons of waiting, the precious time of being still when I want to be anything but, that is when some of the biggest heart-work happens. It is only in the desert I can discover my endurance. It is only in the wilderness that my fortitude can be revealed. And it is in the quiet that I find myself, I find my God, and I find hope. The peace that comes from knowing all will be well in the end. And if things are not okay, it is not the end.
Rest. Rest is the answer.
Sometimes I want to work so hard, I want to force the hands of the people that control things, I want to push for the things I so ardently desire… but doing so has led me down some twisted paths. Paths that were dark and dreary and hard to handle because I took the quick option instead of the right option. And EVERY time I have ever done that, it has been the wrong option.
No, my own hard work and striving can never bring about the lasting change that I desire. It doesn’t matter how many times I see the doctor or call the attorney or yell at my kids.
It is only love, patience, relationship, and acceptance that can truly change me. It is not about how much more I can do. It is about learning to be content in the waiting. Learning from the stillness. Listening. Resting. Learning how to be.
I am so good being busy. Working, working, working. Conquering every area of my life that I find unsatisfactory. But it is only when I rest that my thirsty soul is satiated. It is only when I choose to let peace in that balance is restored to my striving spirit.
Yes, waiting is difficult.
But waiting is where we grow roots. And the deeper we are rooted and grounded, the bigger and stronger we can be. It doesn’t matter if we are waiting on a clean bill of health, custody arrangements for our kids, a healthy love life, or a clear, fulfilling career path… when we wait, when we are patient and continue to do the things we are supposed to do (even when it is oh-so-hard), we will eventually see the growth that comes from it. And it may not show up exactly where or how we expect, but it will be there.
Today, I am choosing to be adventurously expectant. To think of the wait as the path to a new and exciting place. The preparation for the biggest journey of my life.
Expectant. Hopeful. Confident. Excited.
That’s what I want to be known for in my season of waiting.
If you don’t mind saying some prayers, several seasons of waiting are coming to a close for me in the next few weeks . I hope I have grown strong enough in the interim.
And now, the doctor is waiting on me.
Love you all,