If you can’t tell by my recent posts, I encountered a situation recently that rocked me to my core.
I was hurt. I was angry. I didn’t know how to move on, what to say, what to do. It was, and still is, really hard. It’s one of those moments where you “figure out what you are made of”.
Of all the things I have been through in my life, this one was probably the most difficult for me to process due to the proximity of the relationship.
But instead of acknowledging how hurt I was, instead of sitting with the pain and allowing it to be, I started looking elsewhere.
It seems one of the things I am “made of” might be baking soda, because I became angry and bitter with people who didn’t deserve it, said things I shouldn’t have said, did things that hurt other people. I chose to push away the people who knew me because I don’t want to feel like that ever again. I chose to stop acknowledging the people that were there for me, because I wanted to go it alone.
Alone is safe. Alone is strong. Alone is impenetrable. Alone might be lonely, but it can keep me from breaking. Alone could never hurt as bad as I was already hurting. And so I became the ultimate saboteur.
I started finding fault in anyone with enough relationship power to harm me. I investigated the people who held on to pieces of my heart and found reasons to take them back.
I chose to dig at those people’s weaknesses because I had no more strength to give. I doled out criticism and condemnation and found any reason to push them away. Because they had the power to hurt me worse than what I was already feeling.
And it was wrong.
So this is me, publicly acknowledging that hurt. And understanding if you choose to stay far, far away. You have been through enough already.
I am so sorry.