I am not okay today. Life has certainly thrown me a few challenges over the past few weeks, and I am not going to lie and say I have overcome them all. There are a few that I may never overcome. And right now, I am depending on this, this outlet, to help me cope. Because I know that this season won’t last forever, but I also know that climbing out may take some time.
I am resilient. If there is one word, one attribute I know to be true about me, it is that. I have overcome so many things in my life. I can’t say I have always come back better, but definitely stronger.
But I need the reminder today. This day when my world is crumbling around me for so many different reasons. I don’t want to forget this day. Because it is in the dark and cold that we expand. And I trust that this is an opportunity to do exactly that.
Feeling is okay. All of the feelings. The grief, the hurt, the anger, the confusion. Reliving the memories and wondering why I haven’t made enough of them. The determination to do better. The guilt. The questions. And the tears. So many tears today.
I know it’s okay, it will be okay. But that doesn’t mean this feeling can be avoided or explained. Feelings can only be experienced. So right now, I am giving in to all the emotions I have been trying so hard to avoid. It is time. Time to feel. Let the sorrow find its escape. I don’t know that the weight of grief ever leaves, but I hope it will lighten eventually.
I had no idea how much pain I had been harboring. I smile and I laugh and I encourage the people in my life. That’s who I am. The girl who smiles. But I can’t smile right now. I can’t pretend that everything is okay because it isn’t. My children are hurting. I lost a loved one and I have three more on the way out with all the conflicting emotions that entails. I miss my loved ones. I miss them all so much. I just want a chance to make a few more memories.
I know that I will survive. It’s what I do. I am strong. I am always so strong. But right now, I don’t feel strong. I feel tired and hurt, heartbroken, disappointed and scared. I don’t have the answers and I can’t make a plan for what’s to come.
I know it will get better. It always does. Life is cyclical, seasonal. There is always a tomorrow if we wait long enough.
But for today, it’s okay to feel bone tired. It’s okay to be disillusioned. It’s okay to acknowledge the bruises on my heart. It’s okay to feel like a fool. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to feel like I am behind. It’s okay to feel alone in what I am going through. It’s okay to feel everything.
“Pain begs to be felt—or life will beg you to feel not one emotion at all. ” ~ The Broken Way
It’s okay to not feel okay.
Because today’s story isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning of a new chapter.
And the choices and challenges being faced today… well, those are what make any story great.
Today is hard, but tomorrow, I can write that new chapter and make it beautiful.
RIP, you beautiful human.
Thank you for always loving, caring, protecting and nurturing me and my children like we were your own. Thank you for showing me that second chances can be amazing. Thank you for your truths and your humor and all the memories. Thank you for being one of the first people who showed me what real love was. I will miss you. So incredibly much.
Love you girlfriend.