RoughHewnDiamond

You just have to make it to tomorrow.

I am not okay today. Life has certainly thrown me a few challenges over the past few weeks, and I am not going to lie and say I have overcome them all. There are a few that I may never overcome. And right now, I am depending on this, this outlet, to help me cope. Because I know that this season won’t last forever, but I also know that climbing out may take some time.

I am resilient. If there is one word, one attribute I know to be true about me, it is that. I have overcome so many things in my life. I can’t say I have always come back better, but definitely stronger.

But I need the reminder today. This day when my world is crumbling around me for so many different reasons. I don’t want to forget this day. Because it is in the dark and cold that we expand. And I trust that this is an opportunity to do exactly that.

Feeling is okay. All of the feelings. The grief, the hurt, the anger, the confusion. Reliving the memories and wondering why I haven’t made enough of them. The determination to do better. The guilt. The questions. And the tears. So many tears today.

I know it’s okay, it will be okay. But that doesn’t mean this feeling can be avoided or explained. Feelings can only be experienced. So right now, I am giving in to all the emotions I have been trying so hard to avoid. It is time. Time to feel. Let the sorrow find its escape. I don’t know that the weight of grief ever leaves, but I hope it will lighten eventually.

I had no idea how much pain I had been harboring. I smile and I laugh and I encourage the people in my life. That’s who I am. The girl who smiles. But I can’t smile right now. I can’t pretend that everything is okay because it isn’t. My children are hurting. I lost a loved one and I have three more on the way out with all the conflicting emotions that entails. I miss my loved ones. I miss them all so much. I just want a chance to make a few more memories.

I know that I will survive. It’s what I do. I am strong. I am always so strong. But right now, I don’t feel strong. I feel tired and hurt, heartbroken, disappointed and scared. I don’t have the answers and I can’t make a plan for what’s to come.

I know it will get better. It always does. Life is cyclical, seasonal. There is always a tomorrow if we wait long enough.

But for today, it’s okay to feel bone tired. It’s okay to be disillusioned. It’s okay to acknowledge the bruises on my heart. It’s okay to feel like a fool. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to feel like I am behind. It’s okay to feel alone in what I am going through. It’s okay to feel everything.

“Pain begs to be felt—or life will beg you to feel not one emotion at all. ” ~ The Broken Way

It’s okay to not feel okay.

Because today’s story isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning of a new chapter.

And the choices and challenges being faced today… well, those are what make any story great.

Today is hard, but tomorrow, I can write that new chapter and make it beautiful.

RIP, you beautiful human.

Thank you for always loving, caring, protecting and nurturing me and my children like we were your own. Thank you for showing me that second chances can be amazing. Thank you for your truths and your humor and all the memories. Thank you for being one of the first people who showed me what real love was. I will miss you. So incredibly much.

I am a hugger. That hasn’t always been true for me. For a long time, I was afraid that touching someone would let them in, let them see me. So I shook hands and avoided any semblance of physical affection.

Then I started healing.

I started growing as a person and realized the reason I was so guarded in my physical interactions was because it was my primary love language. I didn’t really believe in the love languages, but knew that opening up physically was in direct correlation to opening up mentally and emotionally for me. I believed that if you couldn’t touch me, you couldn’t love me… And better yet, I would be unable to love you. Life was easier that way. But I knew it wasn’t a healthy way to live.

It was awkward at first. Hugging people instead of shaking hands. Touching hands when we spoke. Asking my significant other if I could touch them in moments I needed reassurance. But with time, it became easier.

Now, I hug everyone! As I began to open myself up to love, I began to give what was so desperately lacking in my life. I became “that girl”. The one who greets people effusively and always reached out for the hug, even when it is awkward.

I grew up and started hugging my friends, holding their hands, touching their arm when they need reassurance, even, on occasion, giving the overly excited (or drunken) kiss. I am an avid proponent for physical intimacy, even in the most platonic of relationships. Touch became part of my identity. A very fulfilling part of my identity.

28 days ago, I locked myself in my house, quarantined from the outside world. COVID-19 — coronavirus — a plague for our times, was here and as an immunocompromised person with an asthmatic daughter, the best thing we could do was avoid human interaction.

Easy, right? I’ve done life on my own for a long time. I did just fine without physical touch for years at a time. I have my kids and between them and some adult interaction on social media, that should be enough… Or so I thought.

I know that other people have talked about it, far more eloquently and with more knowledge, but when a girl lives alone, it’s hard not to get touch hungry. I do. Certainly, cuddling my cat can help, and snuggling with my kids is even better, but it really isn’t the same thing as receiving a hug from a close friend or my partner. Those brief intimacies keep me human and reassure me that everything will work out because physical affection is the easiest way for me to feel like someone cares.

I desperately want to hug everyone. But I know the truth – that the best way to show love right now is NOT to touch people, not to visit. The best way to love our people is to stay at home.

And I’m not gonna lie, it’s become a little overwhelming for me.

My partner is considered essential. We don’t live together and I’m immunocompromised. He has to stay 6′ away.

My daughter has allergy-induced asthma that typically flares this time of year. I am terrified that will impact how she responds if/when she gets the virus.

My friends can’t come over to fill in the gaps, because the best thing for all of us is for them to stay away.

My kids are struggling with change. Hell, I’m struggling with it.

My daughter is extremely extroverted and is breaking down every day over her inability to spend time with other people.

My son had goals for this quarter at school and he isn’t sure the new homeschool style of learning will be the best for hitting those goals (this mama don’t do math).

This is hard. Scientific data even backs that up. Touch-deprived children fail to thrive emotionally, intellectually and physically. Touch-deprived adults suffer from depression, anxiety, poor sleep, and more. But all of this, the loneliness, the isolation, the craving for other people’s company, the nights spent alone, it’s all in an effort to protect each other.

I have to constantly remind myself of that fact. Deep discussions, dates, virtual museum tours, the brief “how’s it going?” message… they are all meaningful and they are the things that will keep us going. Continuing to reach out to each other is the best way to ensure we all make it to the other side of this.

In this time of uncertainty, the most important thing we can do is remind each other of our love, and show up in new and different ways. Right now, not touching each other is the safe and smart thing to do. It’s a way to show we care about each other and to take care of ourselves.

But when this is all over, I want to hug all of my friends and loved ones. I want to let them know I love them in the most emphatic way I can. I want to ensure that we don’t lose the intimacy that’s so important.

It’s isolation and internet for now, but get ready: when this epidemic is over and we’re all safe and healthy again, I’ll be greeting my friends with hugs, and I will hug them with all the life in me. Make sure you do the same.

It’s challenging. Being right in the middle of life and faced with an incredible number of decisions.

Career?

Business?

Relationship?

Kids?

Travel?

Stability?

Or basically any goal or desire that you ruminate upon.

You’re in the middle of this maze and none of it seems to make sense. It feels like you are traveling on a dozen different journeys and you’re unsure about all of them. This feeling… the dead-end, pit of uncertainty, it’s a hell you didn’t realize could be a thing.

“What should I do?”

“What career should I choose?”

“Should I start a company?”

“Should I date this person?”

“Should I travel or build more security?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

Period.

Decisions, decisions.

They look like an endless sea, stretched out in every direction.

You feel overwhelmed, directionless, restless and anxious. It seems everyone wants answers, yourself more than anyone. There are so many things to do, so many possibilities.

But here you stay, motionless, treading water and gaining very little ground. Why is this so hard?

It seems like these should be simple choices, but you find yourself ruminating on every decision, trying to think of every possible outcome… You spend weeks, or months, or maybe even years thinking about the right choice. And then you still don’t make a decision. After all, you wouldn’t want to make the wrong one.

You know that failure is okay, but you still can’t seem to take the leap. You determine that it must be because you don’t actually know what you want.

But the truth is, it’s because you want so much. You want a lot of things and you are capable of having them all.

The truth is, you don’t like choosing.

Anything you choose will take away from one of the other paths you could have taken. And you could actually like that other path much better, right? You want the BEST.

I get it. Believe me. We only have one life, and time is short. It’s important to optimize what we have… But if there is anything I’ve learned in my brief stint here on earth, it the fact that you are still going to be restless and anxious and searching in 5, 10, or 15 years if you continue to hold on to that logic. You can’t just wait on life forever.

You have to do. If you don’t start, you won’t ever figure it out.

Your life isn’t a fancy formula that you need 10 years to write. Especially since, no matter what the calculations, you’re never guaranteed that the next finite amount of time will be ANY better.

Life is an experience. Lived by EXPERIENCING. It’s certainly not optimised by thinking 24/7 while on autopilot for the next ____ years. You figure out what you want by doing, by trying different things, by problem solving, by eliminating and adding as it serves… it’s not about a formula.

And the best part? When you look back at life, you get to see that path, with all those decisions, and you realize the adventure was possible because of your choices. Each decision led to a lesson, fulfilling you, building you, bettering you. Yeah, there will be mistakes, sadness, uncomfortable times. But you’ll be growing and going to the places you’ve only thought about up to now.

It’s hard to start. Changing routines, chasing more, breaking free from your own (and other’s) expectations. But dont wait until you are in a hospital bed like I was. Don’t wait until you think it’s the end and all you have are regrets.

All that uncertainty can be traced back to the thought “I don’t know…”

But if you focus on what you don’t know, you can’t make any progress.

So here’s my suggestion: Start with what you know. What is certain in your mind? Focus on that.

I am absolutely not telling you to avoid learning or doing new things, just to be clear. I am also not telling you to live risk-free (obviously by my own lifestyle).

What I am saying is that you know you better than you think. You know your goals and aspirations. You know what you’re interested in (or not).

What I know about me:

I want to travel to as many different countries as possible.

I want to work remotely for myself.

I want to always feed my creativity.

I want to raise my children to be responsible world citizens.

I want a partner who adds to the life I’ve built.

You will obviously have your own ideas and dreams. Maybe you know you don’t see a future with your partner. Maybe you know that you value stability over everything. Maybe you don’t want children, or maybe you do.

Figure out what you actually know about yourself. It could be anything. And it will most likely be very broad.

Seems simple, right?

It is. AND it gets rid of those self-imposed barriers to your decisions. Questions like, “I don’t know which country to go to” or “I don’t know what I want to do for a career” become a certain thing because you’ve opened yourself up. No, you didn’t answer the question per se… But you’ve changed the context and freed yourself to make a decision that is more true to you.

I know that I want to travel as many places as possible.

That’s it.

It makes everything else negotiable. I could go to Vegas, Bali, or Mexico and I am following the direction that I outlined for my life.

Life is about trying, not analyzing. Being in action feels better, I promise. The key is to ensure that your actions are aligned with the things that you know for certain.

It works for everything.

Starting a company is scary, but I know I want to work remotely and I want to work for myself. Regardless, if I fail at this particular endeavor, it will teach me something about my strengths and weaknesses and put me on the right path. I will begin to realize if this is the right fit. But if I don’t start? I’ll never know.

You get to write your story.

So figure out what you know for certain, focus on that, and you WILL figure out what you want. I promise you, it’s going to be an amazing story, full of great adventures and twists and turns…

In fact, you can make your life into a story that might be read by some as a fantasy.

Don’t fall for my flowers,

Please fall for my roots.

For when Autumn comes,

I will still need you.

The leaves will change,

they’ll turn and fall.

I do want to trust

That you’ll stay for it all.

As seasons change

Some harder than others,

Cold spells could be soothed

By the heat of a lover.

So if you decide to tell me you love me,

Please love who I am, not just what you see.