All of these messages were sent while I was out with a friend, catching up on her recent solo trip out west. We got a bit lost in the conversation and I didn’t check my phone.
When I finally did check my phone, I was “inconsiderate” because I didn’t answer on HIS time. “Inconsiderate” because I decided that face to face interactions are more important than responding to messages. “Inconsiderate” because his needs were supposed to come before mine.
At first, I was tempted to tell him I was sorry. I wanted him to continue to think of me as the “sweet girl”. I wanted to make everything okay because that is just what I have always done.
But then I realized what he said was true. I had changed. And that it’s okay.
I am not the girl who believes she is worthless anymore. I know that I bring value to people’s lives.
I am no longer so lonely that I will settle for any scrap of attention. I have a beautiful life surrounded by incredible friends and I have learned the power of platonic love.
I am not the girl who believes that everyone is better than her. I am a woman who works hard and is as valuable as anyone else as we all travel through this life together.
I am not sad and hopeless and seeking out ways to die. I have days that I still dance with death, but my romance with life has become far bigger and stronger than the hold that death had on me.
I am no longer the girl who had no idea who she was. I have fought hard to free the wild woman inside of me, to listen to my intuition and build an authentic life for myself.
I am not the girl who cared desperately about whether people liked her. I like me, and if you don’t, that’s okay. I am going to live my life regardless and wish you well when we cross paths.
I am no longer the girl that second guessed and doubted every thought because she believed she couldn’t make good decisions on her own. I have made plenty of decisions on my own, some good, some bad… but I have learned that I am capable and responsible for my life and choices.
I am not the girl who thought she couldn’t be a good mom and needed a man in my life to influence my children. I have several male friends who treat my children kindly and show them what it is like to respect women. And I, by myself, have raised some badass, kind, loving kids.
I am no longer the girl who would do things to EARN someone’s admiration or love or respect. I respect myself enough to know that other people’s opinions don’t matter and the worth they assign me means nothing.
I am not the girl who was jobless, penniless and homeless. I have a career job, two businesses, a beautiful old home, a new to me car, and my life if full of crazy characters and lots of love.
I am no longer the girl who was afraid of her own shadow, reliving the abuse and terror of her childhood and marriage on a daily basis. I am a powerful woman who can hold her own and I don’t have to be afraid of anyone.
I am not the girl who thought she was stupid and incapable. I finished a bachelors degree in business while 1/16th of my brain was flatlined due to a traumatic brain injury and I was fighting a disease that was eating away at my organs and destroying my energy.
The girl that you knew? She doesn’t exist anymore.
The woman that I am? I would much rather be her any day.
I fought hard to become this woman, and when you say that I have changed, I will take it as the highest form of complement. Because this journey has been a long one and it was hard as hell to change… and I am so thankful I have.
I took myself from a homeless, penniless, worthless, hopeless girl to a passionate, purposeful woman. I still have hard days, I still have struggles, things aren’t always good. But I would NEVER go back to that girl you knew. The girl YOU walked away from.
And if that change intimidates or offends you… if you don’t like the fact that I don’t kowtow and grovel anymore, that’s okay.
I am totally alright with the idea that my health and/or happiness might interfere with someone else’s opinion of what I should or should not do.
I chose me. I chose my children. I chose my life. I chose to become more.
AND THAT IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR!