Love does not begin and end the way I always thought it would. It isn’t a fairy tale with a “Happily Ever After.” Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. And a painful one at that. But I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
It is sad not to love, but it is much sadder not to be able to love. To fear love is to fear life, and in fearing life, I am already three parts dead. Love is so vulnerable though. It takes off masks that I fear I cannot live without and know I cannot live within. It reveals more of me than I ever thought one person would know and that makes me tremble in anticipation of being left for who or what I really am. I have heard so many times that you never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. I just have to figure out HOW…
I have struggled with fear for what seems like my entire life. Fear is one of my greatest faults, it is at the root of all my weaknesses, and it is a contender for my life.
Fear cripples my freedom and ability to love.
I would think by now, being a dedicated Christian for many years, and maturing into adulthood, that I would not allow fear to hinder me… but that is just not the case. I fall into it’s traps often, immediately feeling as if my heart and my mind are in a tug-of-war.
I know that I am not supposed to fear, having confidence and courage in Christ, yet my fragile heart buys into the lies of fear, causing a ripple effect throughout my life, especially in my relationships.
These fears that I entertain about insecurities, sudden death or trauma, not having enough or being good enough, these fears that I entertain… They cripple the freedom I have to rejoice, to love, to be an encourager, and to live an extraordinary life.
Fear keeps me in my comfort zone, although ironically when I fear I never feel comfortable.
So, in learning to fight the fear, I will learn to love… Myself and others.